Idiotic Ramblings

I'm tired. Tired of fighting, tired of struggling.... I just want to be happy....Then again I want so many things that I don't think I will ever have. OH well.... such is life. Right? Oh look.... tomorrow is my birthday.... big 21. LoL people didn't realize that I was only 20.... they think I'm older for some reason. -shrugs- go figure right? Why does things have to be so confussing? Why can't they just be black and white? and I mean life in general? ..... oh well... I really didn't have much to say.....

Happiness is a fleeting thing, so when you find it. Grab hold of it and never let it go.

~Rue~

Alright, so I'm going to prop myself back here in my lazy boy and type, and perhaps to all you who read can understand and know what's going on in my little neck of the woods.

I have been out of the loop for a while, consentrating on my own world and what is going on in it. Trying to fix what I don't like about it and ... well... basically just spring cleaning my life. If you got thrown out, don't worry about it so much, I'm not much of a person who you would want to keep in your life.

So to all you that don't know. My husband and I are splitting up. It is on my desission.... ( so you know that's all I'm going to say on the matter )

I'm STILL looking for a job... I sware I'm going to end up living on the streets before here too long. -sighs- For some reason the gods decided " Hey, you don't need to work" or more like " we won't allow it" -grumbles- Wish they would change their minds, the whole living off penny's thing is just not working for me any more. lol.

I mean, it's not a problem, I'm use to it, or was.... well... what ever it is I mean. %&*$, %*&# God be $*&#$, I'm not even going to be able to make it to the doctors tonight, I don't have the gas to. -grumbles- Just one more thing to top the scale to no return. Gerrrrr.

Ok, well I need to go and convince a friend to take me... ttyl.

~Rue~

Well, I know I know, it's been a while since I've written in here. But lots has been going on in my life. Looking for a job, going through a rough patch in marriage, and yeah. Theres not alot to say other then that, right now I'm in Georgia visiting family, they are already driving me crazy and I have only been here a short period. Though it was nice, I got to talk to Sage last night and caught up for the last year or so. It was so good to see her again. I miss her. alright, well..... when I have more concrete things to write about I will....

I hate dial up.

~Rue~

Well John is gone, left monday to go back to the sand pit. I'm sad that he's gone but the drugs are making it a lot easier to deal with. Rather then dwelling on it for months on it, I had my cry feast then yay was all better. Well..... thats that. Lost my damn debit card so I'm all " blah!!!" till my new one gets here -gerr-

~ Rue ~

Well I officially quit Lens crafters, and now looking at a new job at Dr. Value Vision. And I'm happy about it -smiles big- I go today to do my piss test. yay for pee'n in a cup! Any ways thats really all I have to say... or update on. Woot!

~Rue~

Well... today is probably the last day I will work at lenscrafters. I need the time off to get my shit situated and i don't know if I will go back or not. Depends all on if I can find a job or not. I don't know right now. I just know that the time off is needed.... any who.

~ Rue ~

OMG I woke up at fucking 4 am after John woke me up around 1 am to move over so he could lay on the side of the bed with the lamp. Thus saying I have gotten no sleep b/c after the first wake me up, did nothing but toss and turn and constantly wake up -ugh-. I sooooo want to go to bed again, but if I do I will have the most fucked up sleep schedule. though I'm thinking i will any ways. And I've made the appt. so I'm going to the doctor again about the depression. yay.

~ Rue ~

Ok, for some reason today I'm feeling detatched... I think that's the best word to discribe it all. I mean... Physically I'm here, mentally I'm else where. The sad thing is this shit is happening more and more often here lately. And in lately I would say the last few months. I don't give a shit about anything. At work I find my self sitting in a gaze, or hypervenalating b/c of god knows what reason. -sighs- I don't know whats going on. Had a hold of the depression and once more it's coming back to kick me in the ass. Tomorrow I'll call the doctor about it. Promise. -sighs again- I don't know what the hell is going on in my little world. My little messed up head. I mean seriously! I use to be this person... sweet, nice to everyone, never gave anyone reason to hate me.... now, I see people that I've seen more then once and I wonder "What they hell do they really think of me?" I mean. Hell I don't know what to think of me half the time. I'm tired, and not in the normal I just need sleep sense of the word. I'm tired. And speaking of which, I think I will go lay down now. I have nothing better to do.

~Rue~

John called, he's in atlanta, should be home this evening!!!! I'm soo excited. And not just for th sex.... lol... I miss his company.... and is it crazy for me to be nervous about seeing him after 5 months? b/c I am.....

~ Rue ~

You Are Wind

Strong and overpowering A force to be reckoned with, no one dares cross you You have the power to change everything around you You are best known for: your wrath Your dominant state: commanding

Well -sniffles- John won't be here till the 11th/12th. Knew better then to get my hopes up that it would be today or tomorrow.... but then again whats two more days? Right? -Sighs- I want him here NOW! Damn it!

Ok, I'll shut up now....

~Rue~

So today I went to class... and took my Biology test. OMG I'm soooo happy with getting a C! I don't think I've ever been happy with a grade like that, but I mean concidering I had barely studied, missed ... 3 classes... (and OMFG's my foot won't stop itching)....I passed it! Now all I have to stress over is getting the damn paper done, and done well before thurs. -ugh- I wish he would give an extension on it... probably should have asked if it was possible for me to, but.... oh well. I'll just be working on it all day tomorrow. -frowns- Though I have no fucking clue what exactly he's looking for... I'll just bull shit it like I do most of my other papers.... hey, it's never failed me in the past! Any ways I am now off to do something productive with my night! TTFN!

~ Rue ~ ( Hehehehe hey look nighteyes, it's a safe unscarey journal to read =P)

Well I really don't have much to say... anyone wanna help me do research for my paper today??-hopeful look- lol, j/k. Have to get this thing done before thurs. and haven't even started on it. Sucks. Just haven't had damn time to get it done, I mean with all the crap going on this last few weeks. But the exciting news is! John -should- be home tomorrow. I honestly can't beleive it's already that time -smiles- But I know that it going to suck monkey balls when he leaves again.... just like teasing ya with your loved one thn taking them away. But it's ok... I'll take what time I can get ya know? Any ways I need to go get dressed and shit and go up to the library. ttyl!

~ Rue ~

Yay figured out to get the back ground shit fixed. Happy dance for me! oh and 3, count them, 3 days till John comes home!!!!

~ Rue ~

Well, it's early.... well early for me, had a fun time last night over at Em's. And I'm excited as hell that John is coming home in a few days!!! -happy dance- I miss him so much. Well I really didn't have much to say. As far as I know my grandfather Furr is doing well... being stuborn as hell but doing well.

thats it for me, back to you.

~ Rue ~

You know the feeling you get when there seems like there will never be a tomorrow, or that it will never come soon enough? Like you will never see the sun, and only live in the dark? It's how I feel right now. All I want is my husbands arms around me and his reassuring words.

Grandpa Furr made it out of surgery ok as thus far... but who knows.

sort and bitter sweet

~Rue~

Em and I left out Monday for Georgia to make it to my grandfathers funeral. Got down there and ended up sleeping on the floor.... let me tell ya, my body is still, STILL kicking my ass for that night. Tues. rolls around and we go to the viewing for my Grandfather, it was night, he looked like he was never sick. And the casket had a fish on it which I know he would have liked... then again he would probably have been like " WTF, I'm dead, who cares theres a fish on it" but that's just my grandfather for ya. Then comes Wens. -sighs- I'm disapointed in the fact that the funeral turned into one of those " If you are saved you'll see him again" type deals with prayer that went like " Jesus work on those hearts that aren't saved" things. I think it should have been more memories of my grandfather rather then preaching to us " heathens". But thats fine, I understand and respect the fact that my grandfather was christian.
Now comes the good part. Same day we bury my Grandfather Collett, my Grandfather Furr is put in the hosiptal b/c he's been having a heart attach for the last two days...... Tomorrow he's suppose to be having triple bipass surgery, 2 atteries are completely blocked and a 3rd 90% blocked. -sighs- So to say it's been stressful, I'm worried sick, but have faith that things will work out how they need to.

THough I can tell you now, and truthfully, had it not been for Em, I don't think I would have made it through this week with my head. I'm thankful to the gods, faries, nymphs, beings, whom ever it was that placed her in my life..... now I'm laughing at her while she cleans her carpet as we speak. Though honesty, I wish my husband were here, or that I would have been able to speak to him while I was in Georgia.... He's always able to make me feel better even when I think it's not possible. Theres a peace of mind that comes after being able to hear his voice and his reasuring words. -smiles- only a week till I get to see him.... and have my 2 weeks with him.... though I'm seriously concidering quiting my job.... and thinking that I may find another job. One where family emergencies won't be held against me and so forth.... but we will see where things lead. Ok, I'm going to go now..... stop waisting space here...
OH and to anyone that knows how to do web building and shit and Wuvs me.... HOW do you make your own back grounds on LJ? ? ? ? Pwease Hewp me!

~ Rue ~

Empty, numb, emotions in the wind, I think that is the best way to discribe how life is right now for me. I want to laugh, want to see the joy that life has to offer, but for now, I'm lost in the dark looking for the light. A simple candle would do, just to brighten the path a foot before me.
It's funny, and sad all at the same instant. The only thing promissed in life is death, not even birth of the gift of life is promissed to you. It may be a morbid way of looking at things, but it is the truth.
It seems as if I have lost too much of who I was, peices of that person, the strenths, back bone, and so forth of her have returned. But the loving, joy hearted parts have not. Perhaps these are things that will never come back because truthfully I do not want them back. When I was the carefree loving open hearted girl, I was constantly hurt, constantly holding on to things that wasn't there. So I grasped the darker side of life so to say. Trust is something that you earn, not that is given. The dark is welcoming, and scary at all the same time. The light, blinding and in its rights scary as well. People can see more of you, no what to expect. Where sitting here in the dark, they are constantly surprised, or taken back, b/c they don't see the truths behind the masks.
-tilts head some- Perhaps it's why I don't make friends. Perhaps its why people tend to shy away. I would love to have people who actually like me, or could concider me a friend. But the truth of the matter is, They're few people in this world I trust, and those I do I hold dearly to my heart.
Ah and now I'm rambling and repeating myself.
To those that read this: Have faith in those you care and love. Hold them dear, and do not let petty differences come between you. And always remind them how much they truely mean to you.

~ Rue ~

Well, yesterday my grandfather passed away. He died in his sleep and at peace, which is more then anyone could ask for. Thankfully Em is going to go down with me to ga for the funeral, we're leaving Tues. should be back thurs. well... thats all i really need to say.

Ok, so here's a bitch, and probably a not so very well placed one. But it's my journal so live with it.

Here's the deal. John comes home in 13 days, but now there will be.... say probably 2 days.... added on to that because he has to fly out to fucking California. I understand why he has to, but damn it, I don't have to fucking like it. I mean those days are/will be precious to me, 14 days off isn't that much and they will pass by lightening fast. -grumbles- As well earlier today my mother calls to let me know that they don't expect my grandfather to make it through the week end. Chemo is working, his body just isn't anymore. What do you expect when you failed to do the correct tests on him 4 fucking months ago, and could have caught it in time to actually do some good! -throws hands up and takes a drink of her Margarita-

Things/people I am grateful for:
1. The friends that still call, still care, still take the time out of their days to check on me.
2. Em, the one person up here in Tennessee, aside from John, that I actually don't get tired of.
3. My husband, for stickening with me through out the tough times. For dealing with my shit and staying next to me through out my spouts of depression.
4. My family.... most of them atleast.

Perhaps sooner or later that list will grow larger. But when i think of more, I'll add them, and we'll see how high the numbers grow.

~ Rue